The Smack Sheet

"a.k.a. The Brain Dumpster"

This page is where I dump my raw, unprocessed thoughts that might be interesting to read (depending on if you find my particular life interesting).
They are only sorted after date, with an additional paragraph noting at what time of my life it happened - and maybe even a description of events that led me to writing it - to help me remember why I've felt and thought what I did.
Some of the thoughts here might not be understandable if you're not me, or not even really finish. As I'm writing these down my mind flows from topic to topic, and sometimes pursues a topic so long that I forgot my previous string of thought.

This page could also be seen as a less polished form of the Garden! I might even make the formatting the same (but with different graphics) as the one I wanna make for the garden!

If you too are a human being who struggles with emotions, I would recommend having something to instantly dump your thought process onto - like this page that can be infinitely long to house everything my mind can muster! However, it took me years to grasp my feelings, fears and perception of them, day by day, through a lot of struggle. I've had to struggle to learn how to live simply and happily, seeing worries and being able to handle them without it feeling like a burden through procrastination or a choice that has a way deeper emotional impact than it has for other people.
For me, a lot of thinking about this has occured before I made something like this, and if all the thoughts I've written in my thought book, note taking apps etc were to be accumulated, it would probably fill at least hundred pages of a book.
Lastly, I wanted to say that this is just a way to vent out my feelings into the (personal) void that is the internet, or more specifically my neighborhood (although I'm probably still pretty unknown since I just moved in weeks ago without interacting with anyone). It may help people and make me not feel alone, even though I have never really interacted with someone while making this website for the past 2 weeks.

Happy reading!

Let the dumping begin!

"One load of Pancake's random thoughts comin' right up!"

26. of OCT, 2021 - A dump about feelings

I've written this to try and explore how I felt.
Because emotions feel intense in the moment, they can consume you.
Most of the times right now, I've been surprisingly happy despite the shit thrown my way. It's like the complete opposite of what I've seen on a few diaries / blogs on other peoples websites, and what I've experienced the few years prior. Most of them are unhappy for a reason they don't understand, while I'm happy now for a reason I don't understand.
Emotions you don't understand are really one of the biggest mysteries one can have in their life. I still haven't figured out why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I really like playing a video game, then next thing you know that video game isn't interesting anymore. It feels empty, like there's nothing there.
The real shit comes into play when you need to do something, like homework, work, doing something you don't particularily want to but have to to not break into social or economic ruin. Most of the conflicts here feel horrible to me.
It's really weird how some situations induce fear while the same situations, but with a different focus/mind set, don't.
It all began with the observation that some of the conflicts and fears I've had for multiple years, that were looming big and tall over me.
It was weird, for years I've tried to puzzle out all my fears, and I was under pressure from both social situations and school projects that were almost always on top of me because I 1. didn't want to do them, and 2. I had other fears and stray thoughts that made homework and school hard.
Social situations have gotten a lot better suddenly after a chain of events in the first week of school, where I think the main thing that made me socially adept was realizing how over the top most fears were. After and during that week, I could just say no to specific fears I've had for years when talking to people.
There were was a fear in me about how I would respond if certain questions were asked to me. One of those weird triggering questions was "Why wouldn't you go to therapy?". I was never asked that, but yet I feared it like the plague even though it seems silly. My thoughts would spiral into endless ridiculous what-if questions about how I would react to follow up questions if I answered that question - "Why wouldn't you go to therapy?" - as horribly as possible. Feelings can react pretty wildly to the most inconsequential shit.
but somehow it just kind off... vanished for some social situations now. It might be because I view failure and different outcomes realistically now.

A little draft of an article about suicide

I'm too lazy to format it right now so have this wall of text

There were probably two brief moments where I truly felt like I wanted to kill myself, they were not long, only a few seconds each, and I'm probably not in danger of committing it anytime soon. They were more like instinctual reactions to everything going to shit from hour to hour. Speaking of the topic or murder I wanna say something about Morbid thoughts (killing mom, killing myself) To think this website would have prevented me from killing myself I've heard in a video from 'HealthyGamersGG' that a rather larger margin of suicides are done spontaniously. I don't know how that would be measured, but it sounds logical to me, considering my previous experience with it. I've just begun trying to write down every thought I have so I can use them as little pieces to make the article. I really plan on noting down a lot of my life here, and so pretty much every thought gets written down for now. I really like the idea of people reading about the serious stuff and it helping them. I really like this homey, neighborhoody feeling this has I'd think I have felt true despair and hopelessness, where the road ahead is like the moon on your shoulders, so many worries and things that you need to do to just barely scratch by.

A nice little blurb about surfing on Neocities

This website is supposed to show every aspect of my life after all!

It's a really nice activity to just browse the websites on neocities, either after topic, popularity, or freshly updated, and see all these designs and all the content everyone has! Collecting the buttons of such pages feels special, somehow (I can't describe it right now, but will update it once I can describe the feeling.) It also has the same feeling as 'Deep Web Browsing' because there of the sheer variety of websites :D Like I just read a webpage about making your own aquarium, completely random, but neat! The person didn't even have perfect english, but it made it more charming!https://harian.org/blog/amp/create-and-take-care-the-freshwater-aquarium.html
I also learned from that website that chewing slowly is supposed to help keeping your teeth clean! That's neat to know!

From 27. of OCT, 2021 - A particularily rough day

Article Fragment - The concept of Recovery

You can do stupid stuff, be nervous, or [...] but it can all change Recovery is a concept I originally encountered with jokes. Specifically, having the fear of making bad jokes. I thought/observed that most of the time, if someone made a bad joke most disliked, the best option was recovery, that is, getting back on track with something else (whether that's a comment with how bad the joke was, or if you simply continue on with what you wanted to say, is up to you). The focus on getting up from the shit, and not how to avoid it.

Short Observation - Memory about fear around people

I just remembered a fear that would prevent me from speaking my mind. It was literally that some thoughts I had were very inappropiate for any given social situation, so I didn't talk to not let something like that slip out.

Being behind in social aspects

It's not like my class has been talking about political lessons and history in the 8th grade. It gradually developed as lesson by lesson supplemented by research on your own created a strong, interlinked fundament in those topics. I don't have that. I neither really tried to memorize history since it just seemed like an unneccessarily large number of facts to cram into my head, and once the people's topic of conversation slowly changed towards partly political stuff with historic background. Now it feels like I'm rather alone in that department, and that I need to spend every waking hour to improve myself to get the same foundation they have. I of course have the action of talking to teachers about that available, but first I need to overcome the fear of asking because I feel ashamed for not asking it for so long and another feeling

Concept - Links

Links are a concept where two different situations have a way to trigger the same emotion in me. Most of the time, links aren't obvious and rather come in those thoughts - delightfully developed thoughts that plop out of nowhere. I'm recently making an effort to keep a list of links, since if I manage to understand an emotion from situation A, that knowledge cab help me with it's linked situation B. I generally define links as [Situation A] = [Situation B].

Lessons aren't supposed to be feared to the extend I often fear them. It's visible when I have programming class. Most times, the stuff there is simple. You get a nice amount of time to complete each task, and there's room for error (and dicking around with other). Most other classes are more intimidating. If you're on the level that the class demands, it's easygoing and won't sting as hard as when you're not on it's level and are pressured to do something you're not ready for in a rather strict time frame. Combine that with fear of people, asking for help and being unmotivated at home to catch that big gap up and you've got suffering for the entire time you're in that class.

From 28. of OCT, 2021 - A particularily rougher(?) day

My fears at their core

Building this website (or anything big) may be like building a factory in Factorio or Create: Above and Beyond. Most is taken one step at a time

Confidence

Sometimes I fear doing stuff. A good example would be right now where I'm afraid of the reaction people would have when I push out this update. At the moment I'm countering these thoughts.