About me!

Well, look at that - I managed to write something here! I like the structure I found here, with these general talking points spreading out into more concrete feelings, examples and thoughts when you hover over them.

• ...socially fragile

  I'm not good at talking with, starting to talk with or responding to most messages. This gets much worse depending on how much pressure there is to respond and how the topic may cause internal conflict in me (which is quite easy to do as I'm really indecisive). One slightly stern talking about the right topic (one I'm conflicted on) and the pressure of needing to answer/do something and I'm done for.

  I feel better at expressing my thoughts on this website, where the stream of information usually is one-way (barring emails or guestbook replies, which I still somewhat struggle with), at my pace (I don't have to respond at any time without worrying about if it's too late and how that affects how the other person might think of me) and at the viewers discretion (They don't need to read what I say - only if they're interested, lowering thoughts about if this interesting to others when I'm writing/saying stuff). This kind of seems like a double-edged sword as I've found a good way to "talk with others" without most of the anxiety in the way, but that also means that due to my sheltered way of life, I'm complacent and don't really seek out any social interactions even more than I normally do, which then in turn sometimes fuels this strong fear of me being friendless and lonely for the rest of my life.

  I mean, in hindsight, it seems good to have both ways of expressing yourself. Talking with others is instantaneous and allows a quick back-and-worth which can be quite fun while learning something or playing a multiplayer game where information exchange is needed, while writing something is at your own pace, with redo's and text formatting to really hone your words to align with your feelings. It also seems like a forum is a marryment of both.

  One other way I'm socially fragile is that I take a lot of stuff personally and am intimidated by the slightest tilt or sign of a person being displeased with me, like when a person points out an error I did. This attachment to the opinion of other's is also sometimes visible when a person commends me for something (like when people like something I did on activity feed of my NeoCities, or seem intrigued/interested/happy by what I said/did (Interestingly enough, to me, the first example here is negatively connotated while the second one is positively connotated)).

• ...visually pretty stuff

  This property of mine really extends to a lot of stuff.

  • I like to decorate/make pretty rooms and spaces, both in real life and in videogames (My own room; Animal Crossing: New Horizons; Terraria; Minecraft)
  • I like making art (Like the pixel- or splash art for this website; custom album covers; sketching in my sketch pad). Light foci on this include UI design and pixel art.
  • I like making photos with pleasing composition/colors/motives (In IRL; The Hyrule Compendium in TLoZ: BoTW & TotK; Game screenshots)
  • I often over-designed my PowerPoint presentations for school (at one point I believe we got an A+ just because of how flashed the teacher was of how it looked!).
  • Uncommonly I just get happy / am in awe because of how pretty the world around me can be (The sun, lighting up and shining through semi-translucent leaves of trees; rain with it's reflections, especially at night time).
  • One way it's reflected on the website is that I like using buttons or icons for pages with large swathes of links (Like the Links or Music Library section), sometimes even going out of my way to make my own icons or fix errors in the graphics of others to make it as visually pleasant as possible.
• ...being objective & precise

  It feels nice when I feel like I've hit the nail on the head with a sentence or paragraph, although I'm somewhat slightly worried about people finding I sound pretentious.

  I also adopted this to the way I speak:

  • When people ask me something, I often preface my answer with "I think..." because I'm unsure if it really is the right answer. I don't want to tell anyone anything that might be false since I often feel a bit bad for it.
• ...talking with people

  Although it's a hit or miss depending on a lot of factors.

  • I often like to help people I like, like teaching some classmates a certain math concept.
  • I remember often liking being quiet amongst a group of friends or classmates, listening in while they're talking about something while we're walking somewhere.
  • There are rare times when the conversation with someone flows and my interest in the person and the topic allows for really neat conversations.
• ...creative stuff
  • Thinking about fictional worlds & the stories and mysteries of people and locations
  • Thinking about game concepts, game design and code snippets / algorithms for implementing these ideas.
  • Building stuff in games like Minecraft and Terraria, both primarily visual builds and more technical stuff using redstone and wiring (although in both categories on the milder side: Most things I build aren't visually big and too detailed nor technically too complicated).
• ...music
  • I like listening to music and have a grand music library in the form of mp3 files on my computer which I spend way too much time curating by editing the metadata to how I like it.
  • I like the idea of making my own music, but a large hurdle would be learning a DAW to the point where I could naturally transcribe some of the melodies I have in my head.
  • I both enjoy drumming on any nearby surface along with the music I'm listening to and singing, although I'm not too good at both.
  • There are also times where I don't know what I want to listen to. I've been reluctant about not listening to music during those times, but it seems like not listening to anything at all seems to be the only right call there.
  • Music has this unique, singular ability to comfort me when I feel really down. It feels like the music is the only real thing that really acknowledges or understand the hardships I face during those phases, and it can give me the feeling of determination to continue onward. Nothing else seems to replicate that ability.
• ...programming

  Sometimes I like coding stuff. When I know how the basics work, have a plan of what I want to achieve and generally have ideas on how to get there, it's genuinely fun & rewarding slowly growing the codebase and seeing it function more and more until it does the thing I want to! This is generally the case with the JavaScript I've written for this website and just generally small and easy scripts that don't take too much effort.

  With stuff that's a bit more complicated, I often am emotionally childish and just feel aggrevated at why stuff isn't working or thinking "how the hell does this codebase work?!" (often the case with modding games with object-oriented programming languages like Minecraft or Terraria or just trying to understand OOP in general).

• ...video games

  Gaming is just a really fun and varied thing to do, and while there are times it has dragged me down (made me feel worse; made me escape real life a bit too much), there are so many artistic, creative, social, inspiring and awe-inducing moments each game can hold.

  Most games stay in my mind for one reason or another, and the worlds, stories, characters and such inspired, shaped and to a little extent probably helped me grow as a person. Some games I remember right now are:

  • Splatoon 3, which, to me, is a good sandbox for learning how to enjoy that type of game (A shooter). For example, I partly learned how to mentally focus on small goals like "Let's try to splat one more guy" or "Let's see how I can use my special ability effectively" so that I think and theorize about what could work and in the end feel happy that I did it, instead of looking too much on the bigger picture (which team inked more ground in the end?) and feeling bummed and helpless about it. That way, it doesn't matter if I loose five matches in a row - I still have fun experimenting with my weapon, movement, special abilities and strategies.
  • The world of The Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker just stands out to me and marked a certain kind of love for the mapping of fantastical seas and discovering all the mysterious islands.
  • I have fun memories of playing games like Battleblock Theater, Ultimate Chicken Horse, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess or Castle Crashers together with a friend, just laughing and joking and having a generally great time!
  • Playing Rain World I found it really satisfactory to finally be kind of on top of the world, able to handle the random encounters, hazards and situations the game throws at me and just generally feeling good whilst moving around in it. I also enjoyed some of the community-hosted events like the Rain World: Bingo Events.
  • Outer Wilds just has a really cool world and it was really fun seeing all the different planets, how they changed over time and discovering every emotional puzzle piece of story.

  Video games are just great! Mixing interactivity, music and visuals like no other medium can and just exploring so much of the cool stuff one can do with it!